20
Jan
10

Stuff You Don’t Care About: Issue 2: YEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Welcome back to the best blog in the world that you’re not reading. My previous post made the Guiness Book of World records for the least amount of interest drawn by anyone anywhere. Thanks for your support. I couldn’t have done it without all of you. Well, actually I could have, and as it happens I did.

Today I’m going talk about something near and dear to my heart. I am proud to say that I am the only person on the planet who has never seen one episode of CSI: Miami. Naturally, since I know nearly nothing about it, I am compelled to give my opinion on the matter. Years ago, there was this little show called NYPD Blue. This show was about New York police officers (sadly all male) who where paid professionally to show their naked hairy asses in the shower. The owner of one of those asses was an actor by the name of David Caruso, playing Detective John Kelly.

All in all the show was very good, of you could get past the hairy ass thing (Hell, Watchmen was a fantastic movie, and it starred a gigantic blue penis, I’m just sayin). To me the star of the NYPD Blue was perhaps the hairiest ass of them all, Dennis Franz. Yet for some reason, for the first few seasons Caruso was billed as the lead. Caruso couldn’t act his way out of a wet paper bag. He had all the depth of a kiddie pool with holes drilled in the bottom. This man made this show unwatchable for me. Watching Caruso act was like pumping molten lead with a syringe into my eyeballs.

Thankfully, even Caruso seemed to agree with me and at some point decided to leave the show of his own accord. This left us with the always-enjoyable Jimmy Smits who seemed to be on the show for five minutes or so. That was a good run, but it went stale and they eventually dug up Ricky… opps I mean Rick Schroder, who was so grizzled he looked like the dad from Silver Spoons had abused him as a child.

You know, as a sidebar, I just want to mention it really sucks they couldn’t put Franz as the lead on that show. Hollywood will always be prejudice against us fat dudes. This is why great shows like the Commish fail and shows like The Shield work. Same fuckin’ guy, he’s just more buff on the later show and thus able to stay on TV longer. I’m just sayin’.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah!

Anyhizzle, Caruso sort of killed it for me for CSI: Miami. It’s a shame. For me the thought of a detective show that takes place in beautiful sunny Miami Florida is a very bright and original idea. I mean, nobody’s ever done that before! (*cough* Miami Vice *cough*) Still, the network’s need to spin off every cop show they have with the concept of “Ooohhh set in a different city with a different cast of a-holes, oooohhh!” gets very tiresome. Just slap up a reality TV show if you’re unable to come up with anything original. On second thought, don’t. We have enough of those.

So you can understand why I haven’t given CSI Miami a chance. I have caught a few opening sequences of the show. It always seems to be Horatio standing over a dead body, one of his underlings tells him what the deal is, he puts on his designer sunglasses, and drops some kind of cheesy one-liner that was most likely written by a five-year old that’s been freebasing pop-rocks. Thankfully the Who kicks in to save our sanity at the last second. Were it not for the Yeaaaaaaahhhhhh part at the after that ration of stupidity, we would find ourselves huddling in the corner holding our knees and asking, “Mommy, why is there so much evil in the world?”

This phenomenon is apparently the only reason anybody watches the show. Still, being the brainwashed masses that we are, nobody seems to be changing the channel after the Who has made their five-cent royalty when the song is played. At this point I feel compelled to remind you that I have not actually watched the show, though I have seen these openings parodied from several pop-culture sources. Also, I watched a few clips on You Tube.

Maybe I’m wrong. I often am. People seen to genuinely like this show, and I think that’s okay. I’m sure some of the die-hard fans of the show would recommend it to me, but to them I say this: I’ve never been set on fire before, but I’m sure I wouldn’t enjoy the experience, so I don’t think I’ll be trying it any time soon.

Still, you’ve got to admit, Caruso’s one-liners have a lot of power. Imagine being able to do that in real life and then inexplicably “Won’t Get Fooled Again” blasts from every direction as you don your sunglasses. That’s shear AWESOMENESS with a capital COOL. Try it. Here are a few examples:

McDonnels cashier: “Are you gonna pay for that?”
You (putting on sunglasses): “Oh I’ll pay, but I think my stomach will be paying for it later.”
Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!

Your wife: “Honey, could you take out the trash?”
You (putting on sunglasses): “The garbage smells really bad my dear. The question is, will I take out the trash or will it take me out?”
Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!

Your boss: “You’ve been late every day this week. Were you planning to make it on time this Monday?”
You (putting on sunglasses): “You know what they say about plans, they were meant to be broken.
Your boss (after a long awkward pause): “What the fuck are you talking about?”
You: “Look, just never mind.”
Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!

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