Archive for February, 2010

17
Feb
10

Stuff You Don’t Care About: Issue 4: Fat-Asses of the world, unite!

As I struggle through my diet of wheat grass and alfalfa sprouts, I grow ever more sympathetic for my corpulent male brethren. That’s why this incident: (http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/02/15/kevin.smith.southwest/index.html?iref=allsearch) came as no surprise to me. When I heard that Kevin Smith had been ejected from a plane all I could think of was the time they told me I couldn’t ride the roller coaster that I had waited an hour to board. The staring from the crowd was the worst part. There must have been a hundred people there, and not one of them said a word. It was almost as bad as when I got stuck in the changing room of the big and tall store. Remind me to tell you about that one some time.

Smith getting ejected from the plane has little to do with his size. It has more to do with his fame and how the airline wants to send the message, “You see? We’ll throw any one of you fatties off. We don’t care who you are. That’s how we roll… er, fly bitches!” So much for flying the friendly skies. It’s now more like “Southwest Airlines: Sit down, shut-up and no, you can’t have more peanuts Porky.”

I wonder if the discrimination works the other way. Say you have an anorexic or a cancer patient that’s so skinny that you can’t tighten the seatbelt enough to secure them in the plane seat. Would they get thrown off? No, that would be insensitive. Next time it won’t be fat people. It’ll be people with acne, or people with mustaches, or ginger kids (yeah, they have no souls).

We live in a world where fat people are looked down upon. This has not always been the case. Many years ago, excess weight was considered a sign of wealth and sophistication. At some point however, all the people that felt that way were most likely eaten by other fat people. Today in America, fat people are treated like lesser people. Surprising for a country that is supposed to be all about equality. We can’t even be treated like a minority because, guess what? 70% of the U.S. population is overweight. Yes that’s a figure I pulled out of my rotund ass, but if you don’t believe me, let me issue you a challenge. Stand between any two people you don’t know. Make sure it’s in a public place. Now, look to your left, then look to your right. If they’re not fat, YOU ARE!

Newsflash for the skinny people of the world. We are flawed, just like everybody else. Our willpower may be lacking, but we have a strong desire to improve ourselves. Being heavy does not make us stupid or weak. We don’t have to be jolly or have great personalities to make up for the hollow shell of beauty that seems to be a requirement to gain your respect. We deserve the courtesy and respect that we show you. We are not less than you, we are more than you. Usually we are more than you by several pounds in fact.

My fellow fatties, join me in my crusade. We will crush the skinny-folk under our collective posteriors. Let them rue the day that they tried to shove Jenny Craig in our faces. We will beat them down with their own thigh-masters. They have speed, but we have superior numbers, and plenty of cheese-burgers to use as fuel. Take my hand, and the pudgy hand of the person next to you. Together we will form a giant, jiggly, Katamari Damacy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katamari_Damacy) like ball of rolling flesh that CAN-NOT be stopped!! Fat-Asses of the world, UNITE!!

11
Feb
10

Stuff You Don’t Care About: Issue 3: The Heroes Drinking Game

This is a quick post. I can’t take credit for what I’m about to share with you. I found this on a webcomic I like. This is a drinking game you can play while watching the evergrowing stupidity that is the show Heroes:

HEROES DRINKING GAME

-Drink every time someone is given additional powers to get the writer’s out of a corner.
-Drink every time a major plot line is completely abandoned (Claire’s a lesbian right?)
-Drink every time a character’s consistently evil past is ignored and someone gives them another chance to screw them over.
-Drink every time a Hero could have solved a problem by ACTUALLY USING THEIR SUPER POWERS but chose not to.
-Drink every time Hiro’s brain tumor is cured by a dream (so far this has only happened once).
-Drink every time you get fucking sick of reading ALL of Hiro and Ando’s dialog in subtitles WE TOTALLY GET IT, THEY’RE JAPANESE!!!
-Drink every time Claire seems to forget that her blood cures death in others, so it really doesn’t matter if anyone she cares about dies.
-Drink every time you have no idea who Noah works for any more.
-Drink every time it’s obvious the FX budget has run out and they show a “power” off screen or with simple lighting effects.
-Drink every time a characters actions completely betray any previous character development (WARNING: This is guaranteed to kill you).