Archive Page 2

17
Feb
10

Stuff You Don’t Care About: Issue 4: Fat-Asses of the world, unite!

As I struggle through my diet of wheat grass and alfalfa sprouts, I grow ever more sympathetic for my corpulent male brethren. That’s why this incident: (http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/02/15/kevin.smith.southwest/index.html?iref=allsearch) came as no surprise to me. When I heard that Kevin Smith had been ejected from a plane all I could think of was the time they told me I couldn’t ride the roller coaster that I had waited an hour to board. The staring from the crowd was the worst part. There must have been a hundred people there, and not one of them said a word. It was almost as bad as when I got stuck in the changing room of the big and tall store. Remind me to tell you about that one some time.

Smith getting ejected from the plane has little to do with his size. It has more to do with his fame and how the airline wants to send the message, “You see? We’ll throw any one of you fatties off. We don’t care who you are. That’s how we roll… er, fly bitches!” So much for flying the friendly skies. It’s now more like “Southwest Airlines: Sit down, shut-up and no, you can’t have more peanuts Porky.”

I wonder if the discrimination works the other way. Say you have an anorexic or a cancer patient that’s so skinny that you can’t tighten the seatbelt enough to secure them in the plane seat. Would they get thrown off? No, that would be insensitive. Next time it won’t be fat people. It’ll be people with acne, or people with mustaches, or ginger kids (yeah, they have no souls).

We live in a world where fat people are looked down upon. This has not always been the case. Many years ago, excess weight was considered a sign of wealth and sophistication. At some point however, all the people that felt that way were most likely eaten by other fat people. Today in America, fat people are treated like lesser people. Surprising for a country that is supposed to be all about equality. We can’t even be treated like a minority because, guess what? 70% of the U.S. population is overweight. Yes that’s a figure I pulled out of my rotund ass, but if you don’t believe me, let me issue you a challenge. Stand between any two people you don’t know. Make sure it’s in a public place. Now, look to your left, then look to your right. If they’re not fat, YOU ARE!

Newsflash for the skinny people of the world. We are flawed, just like everybody else. Our willpower may be lacking, but we have a strong desire to improve ourselves. Being heavy does not make us stupid or weak. We don’t have to be jolly or have great personalities to make up for the hollow shell of beauty that seems to be a requirement to gain your respect. We deserve the courtesy and respect that we show you. We are not less than you, we are more than you. Usually we are more than you by several pounds in fact.

My fellow fatties, join me in my crusade. We will crush the skinny-folk under our collective posteriors. Let them rue the day that they tried to shove Jenny Craig in our faces. We will beat them down with their own thigh-masters. They have speed, but we have superior numbers, and plenty of cheese-burgers to use as fuel. Take my hand, and the pudgy hand of the person next to you. Together we will form a giant, jiggly, Katamari Damacy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katamari_Damacy) like ball of rolling flesh that CAN-NOT be stopped!! Fat-Asses of the world, UNITE!!

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11
Feb
10

Stuff You Don’t Care About: Issue 3: The Heroes Drinking Game

This is a quick post. I can’t take credit for what I’m about to share with you. I found this on a webcomic I like. This is a drinking game you can play while watching the evergrowing stupidity that is the show Heroes:

HEROES DRINKING GAME

-Drink every time someone is given additional powers to get the writer’s out of a corner.
-Drink every time a major plot line is completely abandoned (Claire’s a lesbian right?)
-Drink every time a character’s consistently evil past is ignored and someone gives them another chance to screw them over.
-Drink every time a Hero could have solved a problem by ACTUALLY USING THEIR SUPER POWERS but chose not to.
-Drink every time Hiro’s brain tumor is cured by a dream (so far this has only happened once).
-Drink every time you get fucking sick of reading ALL of Hiro and Ando’s dialog in subtitles WE TOTALLY GET IT, THEY’RE JAPANESE!!!
-Drink every time Claire seems to forget that her blood cures death in others, so it really doesn’t matter if anyone she cares about dies.
-Drink every time you have no idea who Noah works for any more.
-Drink every time it’s obvious the FX budget has run out and they show a “power” off screen or with simple lighting effects.
-Drink every time a characters actions completely betray any previous character development (WARNING: This is guaranteed to kill you).

20
Jan
10

Stuff You Don’t Care About: Issue 2: YEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Welcome back to the best blog in the world that you’re not reading. My previous post made the Guiness Book of World records for the least amount of interest drawn by anyone anywhere. Thanks for your support. I couldn’t have done it without all of you. Well, actually I could have, and as it happens I did.

Today I’m going talk about something near and dear to my heart. I am proud to say that I am the only person on the planet who has never seen one episode of CSI: Miami. Naturally, since I know nearly nothing about it, I am compelled to give my opinion on the matter. Years ago, there was this little show called NYPD Blue. This show was about New York police officers (sadly all male) who where paid professionally to show their naked hairy asses in the shower. The owner of one of those asses was an actor by the name of David Caruso, playing Detective John Kelly.

All in all the show was very good, of you could get past the hairy ass thing (Hell, Watchmen was a fantastic movie, and it starred a gigantic blue penis, I’m just sayin). To me the star of the NYPD Blue was perhaps the hairiest ass of them all, Dennis Franz. Yet for some reason, for the first few seasons Caruso was billed as the lead. Caruso couldn’t act his way out of a wet paper bag. He had all the depth of a kiddie pool with holes drilled in the bottom. This man made this show unwatchable for me. Watching Caruso act was like pumping molten lead with a syringe into my eyeballs.

Thankfully, even Caruso seemed to agree with me and at some point decided to leave the show of his own accord. This left us with the always-enjoyable Jimmy Smits who seemed to be on the show for five minutes or so. That was a good run, but it went stale and they eventually dug up Ricky… opps I mean Rick Schroder, who was so grizzled he looked like the dad from Silver Spoons had abused him as a child.

You know, as a sidebar, I just want to mention it really sucks they couldn’t put Franz as the lead on that show. Hollywood will always be prejudice against us fat dudes. This is why great shows like the Commish fail and shows like The Shield work. Same fuckin’ guy, he’s just more buff on the later show and thus able to stay on TV longer. I’m just sayin’.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah!

Anyhizzle, Caruso sort of killed it for me for CSI: Miami. It’s a shame. For me the thought of a detective show that takes place in beautiful sunny Miami Florida is a very bright and original idea. I mean, nobody’s ever done that before! (*cough* Miami Vice *cough*) Still, the network’s need to spin off every cop show they have with the concept of “Ooohhh set in a different city with a different cast of a-holes, oooohhh!” gets very tiresome. Just slap up a reality TV show if you’re unable to come up with anything original. On second thought, don’t. We have enough of those.

So you can understand why I haven’t given CSI Miami a chance. I have caught a few opening sequences of the show. It always seems to be Horatio standing over a dead body, one of his underlings tells him what the deal is, he puts on his designer sunglasses, and drops some kind of cheesy one-liner that was most likely written by a five-year old that’s been freebasing pop-rocks. Thankfully the Who kicks in to save our sanity at the last second. Were it not for the Yeaaaaaaahhhhhh part at the after that ration of stupidity, we would find ourselves huddling in the corner holding our knees and asking, “Mommy, why is there so much evil in the world?”

This phenomenon is apparently the only reason anybody watches the show. Still, being the brainwashed masses that we are, nobody seems to be changing the channel after the Who has made their five-cent royalty when the song is played. At this point I feel compelled to remind you that I have not actually watched the show, though I have seen these openings parodied from several pop-culture sources. Also, I watched a few clips on You Tube.

Maybe I’m wrong. I often am. People seen to genuinely like this show, and I think that’s okay. I’m sure some of the die-hard fans of the show would recommend it to me, but to them I say this: I’ve never been set on fire before, but I’m sure I wouldn’t enjoy the experience, so I don’t think I’ll be trying it any time soon.

Still, you’ve got to admit, Caruso’s one-liners have a lot of power. Imagine being able to do that in real life and then inexplicably “Won’t Get Fooled Again” blasts from every direction as you don your sunglasses. That’s shear AWESOMENESS with a capital COOL. Try it. Here are a few examples:

McDonnels cashier: “Are you gonna pay for that?”
You (putting on sunglasses): “Oh I’ll pay, but I think my stomach will be paying for it later.”
Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!

Your wife: “Honey, could you take out the trash?”
You (putting on sunglasses): “The garbage smells really bad my dear. The question is, will I take out the trash or will it take me out?”
Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!

Your boss: “You’ve been late every day this week. Were you planning to make it on time this Monday?”
You (putting on sunglasses): “You know what they say about plans, they were meant to be broken.
Your boss (after a long awkward pause): “What the fuck are you talking about?”
You: “Look, just never mind.”
Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!

20
Jan
10

Stuff You Don’t Care About: Issue 1: Mission Statement

So just like the rest of America, I feel the need to force my ill-informed opinions on everybody else. That’s what makes our country so great. We have the right to say whatever we want and the uncanny ability to annoy the shit out of every other country on the planet.

Well readers, I’m not going to bore you with that kind of stuff. I going to bore you with other kind of stuff, superficial stuff, stuff I’m interested in, geeky stuff, STUFF YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT (hence the name).

I’m going to talk about obscure music, old movies, games you probably don’t play, comic books you may not have heard of and more. I’m also going to offer my opinions on things I know absolutely nothing about. I will review movies I haven’t seen, and talk about current events in the news and get my facts completely wrong.

Yes, my mission, true believers, is to spread as much misinformation as possible, coupled with a plethora of typos and spelling mistrakes. Prepare for an overabundance of pop-culture references, as you shake your fist at the sky and scream, “KHAAAAAAN!!!”

Don’t worry, I promise to be gentle with you…