Archive for the 'SYDCA' Category

24
May
11

Stuff You Don’t Care About: Issue 8: Yelp this, ya Bastard

This a quick and easy post. The following is a restaurant review I wrote for Yelp.com. If you’re not familiar with Yelp, it is a website where your average joe can post a review for various establishments like restaurants, bars, and whatnot. It is also a den of evil, where lies are generated and spread though the internet like a cancer. In my case, after I posted my review, they promptly removed it. It seems the rest of the reviews for the site were positive, and they did not like my honest criticism.

Behold:

“Marker 20 is danger to society. The inside is crowded and the floor is covered with metal caltrops, the same kind that were used to cripple horses in roman chariot races. You’re strapped to a booth where a large man in a leather mask comes over and force feeds you blackened fish through your nostrils.

Or you can choose to sit outside on the patio, where the wait staff pours boiling wax on your genitals, while chimpanzees and spider monkeys attack you from the rafters above looking for fleas in your hair.

I ate there and I swear that there are now less stars in the sky because of it. I’m just sayin’.”

08
Feb
11

Stuff You Don’t Care About: Issue 7: This one goes out to you Travis…

Okay, so it’s been a while since I’ve posted on this blog. I ended on a kind of sad note last time, dedicating the post to the memory of my father, breaking from the usual tongue-in-cheek that I usually engage in. If one were to over think it, one might be under the impression that I have been in a real life “Sad Keanu“. (Just so you know, Keanu is not sad, he is just reflecting on the deliciousness of his sandwich.) I am not a “Sad Keanu”. I have, in-fact, been fairly happy as of late.

The reason I have not blogged is simple. I have had nothing to say. At least, I haven’t until now. Let us turn to the living evil that is known as Facebook. This is a cesspool of privacy being made public, the social equivalent of willingly selling your soul to Satan. That is, unless you disable “Friends of Friends” in the security settings, but I digress. The point is I have experienced one of those “Fuck You” moments when social networking.

Let me paint a picture for you. I was commenting on a friend’s post. This “friend” is a local radio personality, so it’s more like I’m a fan on her friends list. This was her comment:
“When I was 12, I had pictures taped up all over my room of Axl Rose, Sebastian Bach eating pizza, and Eddie Vedder.”

Now, I’m a big believer in limiting my Facebook usage to little jokes, a heaping helping of sarcasm, and outright silliness, so I fall back on a time tested comedic subject that any red-blooded American would use: Cannibalism.

I responded, “They were eating pizza AND Eddie Vedder? Ew.”

This should have invoked a minor chuckle, been completely ignored, or more often than not, evoking a groan from the ill-fated reader. Instead one other person responded with this little nugget of stupidity:

“@Adam: fortunately there is a comma in place to prevent MOST PEOPLE from drawing that conclusion.
Punctuation is just that important.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, the name of this person is Travis. Travis is a dick.

I’m going to back pedal on something I said in an earlier blog. I know I went off on people that use the word “Conversate” and generally have bad grammar. I know I can be kind of a douche when it comes to that sort of thing, but I don’t do it for the sake of being confrontational. I don’t go out of my way to talk down to somebody who makes that kind of error. In my case, it wasn’t an error, just silliness.

As I’m writing this entry, the war of words has continued. I have made my first Facebook enemy it seems. It’s a small world. Apparently he’s friends with one of my old high-school buddies. I just hope this isn’t somebody I should know.

It’s shit like this Facebook… (sigh)

Let’s analyze our little nemesis here.

Name: Travis Fox (That’s right I said it!)

Interests: 2nd amendment (Seriously? You start with that?) Land Surveying (Snore) Confederate States of America (Boy, I’d really like to introduce you to some of my Black Friends. I’m sure they’d love you.)

Favorite Music: A collection of metal and garage bands and “trailer park, redneck, sleeping with their sister” anthems. One such gem is somebody calling themselves General Lee and the New Confederacy. Surprisingly, Lynyrd Skynyrd didn’t make the list. Guess they were too anti-American for him or something.

Favorite Books (You’ll love this): The South was Right, Red Republicans and Lincoln’s Marxists (WTF??), and The Real Lincoln.

Okay, so we’ve established that this dude is a serious flannel shirt wearing, hippie hating, tobacco chewing, white steeple hood donning loon that sprays fake mud onto his pickup to pass himself off as an off-roading SOB. But the icing on the cake is the slogan on his site, “Novus Ordo Seciordum” or “New Order for the Ages” found on the back of a dollar bill. Oh God! He’s going to use a giant pyramid with a floating eye to take over the world! Aaaaaarrrggghhh! Hide yo kids, hide yo wife! Hide yo kids, hide yo wife.

Normally I wouldn’t let things like this bother me, but considering who this is it’s very irksome that a person like this has the balls to question my education. Sure he can read, but his reading seems to be limited to his narrow point of view. I thought I had conservative view points, but after reading up on this guy I want to go join a drum circle and talk about my feelings.

Travis, look at me buddy. Chill out. It takes more than punctuation and your limited grasp on reality to consider yourself intelligent. Learn to recognize harmless fun and take a fuckin’ chill pill. You’re not Captain Clever and you never will be. Also, that monocle clashes with your Klan robes.

21
Apr
10

Stuff You Don’t Care About: Issue 6: Words and Phrases That Drive Me Crazy

Anybody that knows me is aware that I’m a bit of a Grammar Nazi. It’s strange that I am, considering my grammar is, in fact, atrocious. I can’t formulate a complete sentence without the use of spell check. I even misspell things as I talk. Yes, you can’t hear me misspell words while talking, but I can tell in my head that I am. Yes, it’s kind of abstract, but it’s true.

Still bad grammar is not the same thing as lacking the fundamental understanding of your own fucking language. (Yes I said “Fuck”. Get over it.) The English language is the second most spoken one on the planet. You may find data that says otherwise, but that doesn’t invalidate my point. I make the same complaint that Professor Higgins made before me:

Why can’t the English teach their children how to speak? This verbal class distinction, by now, should be antique. If you spoke as she does, sir, instead of the way you do, why, you might be selling flowers, too!

Ahem… Sorry. Just broke out into song there.

As the title of this blog entry suggests, there are a few words that are used commonly in our country that make me cringe every time I hear them. Here’s a short list:

Irregardless – As I type, Microsoft Word underlines it in red. This is the first clue of how stupid it is. Now keep in mind, just because the word is stupid, it doesn’t mean that you’re stupid for using it. Mass media has been pushing this word on us for years. When you say it, it sounds right. Dictionary.com even lists it as a word under the category of “Nonstandard”. This is the word that initially prompted me to create this blog entry.

In truth, it is the least offender on this list. The actual structure of the word is technically correct. The only problem is, it means the exact opposite of the way it is typically used. For example: “Irreguardless of our previous plans, I will not allow you to drip candle wax on my nipples, as I have a previous engagement.” The word is used improperly here, because the intention is for you to disregard the candle wax dripping plans, but in fact the sentence is asking you to regard that kinky shit.

Conversate – Grr. This one really gets me riled up. A non-sense word that is used so often that is on the verge of becoming proper grammar. I’m not kidding. This is in review by the faceless bastards that meet in secret and decide such things. I’m pretty sure it’s the inner circles of the Illuminati, the Tri-Lateral Commission and the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. These entities have joined forces to destroy our language, increase our dependency on commercialize gadgets like the iPad, and fight Frankenstein. I’m not entirely sure about that last part.

Unlike Irregardless you really look like an idiot when you say Conversate, especially when Converse is so much easier to say. If you use this word and have any level of self-respect, I urge you to discontinue using it. This word is the catalyst to the dumbing down of our species.

Back in the Day – Okay, so I’m a hypocrite. I use this term fairly often. Why I remember back in the day when I first heard it used. That was the day that I first heard back in the day, which was a day that I’ll always remember because I wondered what day they were talking about. Seriously, be more specific. What day was it? Tell me! Don’t make me go all Jack Bauer on your ass.

This one doesn’t offend me so much. It has a certain retrospective, nostalgic sound to it that is somewhat comforting in its own way. The thing is, the expression is slang, pure and simple. Benign, but slang nonetheless. The only time this ever bothered me is when I head a local news anchor say it without missing a beat, while telling a tale about a local tragedy. It was flippant and trite, and so I’ve concluded that it has no place in literary text. It’s okay for simple conversation, but the minute I see it in a history book, (I.E. Back in the day, Abe Lincoln was shot by some mo-fo, ma nizzzle) I’m going to make my way down to the local Board of Education and just go on a slapping spree.

Don’t be hatin’ – Sorry. I can’t help it.

That’s Money – Used in the context of saying something is good, this expression was obviously conceived by one pathetic person who wanted people to think he was cool. Chances are it was that prick, Jeremy Piven.

Can’t nobody hold me down – Well, you smell like Hennessey. I don’t think I would want to get that close to you.

I got the Itis – You’ve never eaten soul food in your life, you idiot.

Integrationalize – Yes, somebody actually said this to me. This person needs to be crucified on a cactus.

Disharmonation / Stratery – This was uttered in the same sentence by some lightweight boxer I saw on ESPN. I think he said something like, “I’ma gonna use a lot o’ disharmonation and stratery to take him down.” Granted, he was a boxer, and they are not known for their linguistics skills. I can excuse him, because he probably took one to many blows to the head. I can understand. After he said it, I wanted to punch him in the head too.

Pretty much anything that Roger Ebert ever said or wrote – Okay, this is the opposite end of the spectrum. I’m not going to focus on his health issues. That has nothing to do with this. The point is as you read this, you may think I’m an utter snob. This will never be true, so long as you compare me to Roger Ebert.

Here’s a man that has a remarkable gift for the English language. I doubt that he has ever used slang in any form either verbally or in print. And that is just the problem. Despite the fact that he’s the master of the written word, he has distanced himself from the rest of society. Perhaps that was intentional, as the media tends to put him up on a pedestal. This self-imposed snobbery achieves the same thing as sounding like an under-educated slob, due strictly to its content. Check out his site: http://rogerebert.suntimes.com. You’ll see what I’m talking about if you read enough. And if you’re hoping to get a good review of your movie from him, you better hope your name is Orson Welles and your movie title is Citizen Kane.

I’m out! (Drops the microphone like Chris Rock)

Rosebud…

16
Mar
10

Stuff You Don’t Care About: Issue 5: Worst… Joke… Ever…

Okay, so two guys walk into a bar.

Wait! It wasn’t two guys. It was a construction worker and a Jew.

Uh, never mind, Jew is racist.

It was actually a construction worker and a sailer.

Damn it! Now it sounds like the Village People.

Well, why not?

Okay, the village people walk into a bar.

No it’s not a gay bar. It’s just a bar. Why does it always have to be a bar?

So, it’s not a bar. It’s a bank.

Yeah, the village people walk into a bank. And the bartender says…

Wait, banks don’t have bartenders.

Teller, it’s a teller.

It’s Penn and Teller.

No, that’s not right. I’m getting side tracked…

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah!

Penn and Teller walk into a Bar…

Arrrgh!

I mean, The Village people walk into a bar… er, the bank,

And the teller says, “What’ll it be?”

Wait! I forgot about the Duck.

One of the village people is carrying a duck.

I think it’s the Janitor Guy.

Did the village people have a janitor guy?

Let me check Wikipedia.

Let’s see Cowboy, Construction Worker, Cop, Indian (Huh? That dude’s black!), Gay Biker, Navy dude.

Nope, no janitor.

So we’ll say the cowboy is carrying the Duck.

Why the hell did he have the duck again?

Oh, yeah, I remember.

He he he he! Snicker…

Sorry, I can’t help it. Just wait for it.

You’re gonna love this one…

Hahahahahahaha!

Oh man! It’s so funny.

So the bartender, uh, Teller says, “I said Bucks not Ducks!”

Why aren’t you laughing?

Ah fuck! I forgot the middle part!

Let me start over.

Hey! Where ya goin’?

17
Feb
10

Stuff You Don’t Care About: Issue 4: Fat-Asses of the world, unite!

As I struggle through my diet of wheat grass and alfalfa sprouts, I grow ever more sympathetic for my corpulent male brethren. That’s why this incident: (http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/02/15/kevin.smith.southwest/index.html?iref=allsearch) came as no surprise to me. When I heard that Kevin Smith had been ejected from a plane all I could think of was the time they told me I couldn’t ride the roller coaster that I had waited an hour to board. The staring from the crowd was the worst part. There must have been a hundred people there, and not one of them said a word. It was almost as bad as when I got stuck in the changing room of the big and tall store. Remind me to tell you about that one some time.

Smith getting ejected from the plane has little to do with his size. It has more to do with his fame and how the airline wants to send the message, “You see? We’ll throw any one of you fatties off. We don’t care who you are. That’s how we roll… er, fly bitches!” So much for flying the friendly skies. It’s now more like “Southwest Airlines: Sit down, shut-up and no, you can’t have more peanuts Porky.”

I wonder if the discrimination works the other way. Say you have an anorexic or a cancer patient that’s so skinny that you can’t tighten the seatbelt enough to secure them in the plane seat. Would they get thrown off? No, that would be insensitive. Next time it won’t be fat people. It’ll be people with acne, or people with mustaches, or ginger kids (yeah, they have no souls).

We live in a world where fat people are looked down upon. This has not always been the case. Many years ago, excess weight was considered a sign of wealth and sophistication. At some point however, all the people that felt that way were most likely eaten by other fat people. Today in America, fat people are treated like lesser people. Surprising for a country that is supposed to be all about equality. We can’t even be treated like a minority because, guess what? 70% of the U.S. population is overweight. Yes that’s a figure I pulled out of my rotund ass, but if you don’t believe me, let me issue you a challenge. Stand between any two people you don’t know. Make sure it’s in a public place. Now, look to your left, then look to your right. If they’re not fat, YOU ARE!

Newsflash for the skinny people of the world. We are flawed, just like everybody else. Our willpower may be lacking, but we have a strong desire to improve ourselves. Being heavy does not make us stupid or weak. We don’t have to be jolly or have great personalities to make up for the hollow shell of beauty that seems to be a requirement to gain your respect. We deserve the courtesy and respect that we show you. We are not less than you, we are more than you. Usually we are more than you by several pounds in fact.

My fellow fatties, join me in my crusade. We will crush the skinny-folk under our collective posteriors. Let them rue the day that they tried to shove Jenny Craig in our faces. We will beat them down with their own thigh-masters. They have speed, but we have superior numbers, and plenty of cheese-burgers to use as fuel. Take my hand, and the pudgy hand of the person next to you. Together we will form a giant, jiggly, Katamari Damacy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katamari_Damacy) like ball of rolling flesh that CAN-NOT be stopped!! Fat-Asses of the world, UNITE!!

11
Feb
10

Stuff You Don’t Care About: Issue 3: The Heroes Drinking Game

This is a quick post. I can’t take credit for what I’m about to share with you. I found this on a webcomic I like. This is a drinking game you can play while watching the evergrowing stupidity that is the show Heroes:

HEROES DRINKING GAME

-Drink every time someone is given additional powers to get the writer’s out of a corner.
-Drink every time a major plot line is completely abandoned (Claire’s a lesbian right?)
-Drink every time a character’s consistently evil past is ignored and someone gives them another chance to screw them over.
-Drink every time a Hero could have solved a problem by ACTUALLY USING THEIR SUPER POWERS but chose not to.
-Drink every time Hiro’s brain tumor is cured by a dream (so far this has only happened once).
-Drink every time you get fucking sick of reading ALL of Hiro and Ando’s dialog in subtitles WE TOTALLY GET IT, THEY’RE JAPANESE!!!
-Drink every time Claire seems to forget that her blood cures death in others, so it really doesn’t matter if anyone she cares about dies.
-Drink every time you have no idea who Noah works for any more.
-Drink every time it’s obvious the FX budget has run out and they show a “power” off screen or with simple lighting effects.
-Drink every time a characters actions completely betray any previous character development (WARNING: This is guaranteed to kill you).

20
Jan
10

Stuff You Don’t Care About: Issue 2: YEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Welcome back to the best blog in the world that you’re not reading. My previous post made the Guiness Book of World records for the least amount of interest drawn by anyone anywhere. Thanks for your support. I couldn’t have done it without all of you. Well, actually I could have, and as it happens I did.

Today I’m going talk about something near and dear to my heart. I am proud to say that I am the only person on the planet who has never seen one episode of CSI: Miami. Naturally, since I know nearly nothing about it, I am compelled to give my opinion on the matter. Years ago, there was this little show called NYPD Blue. This show was about New York police officers (sadly all male) who where paid professionally to show their naked hairy asses in the shower. The owner of one of those asses was an actor by the name of David Caruso, playing Detective John Kelly.

All in all the show was very good, of you could get past the hairy ass thing (Hell, Watchmen was a fantastic movie, and it starred a gigantic blue penis, I’m just sayin). To me the star of the NYPD Blue was perhaps the hairiest ass of them all, Dennis Franz. Yet for some reason, for the first few seasons Caruso was billed as the lead. Caruso couldn’t act his way out of a wet paper bag. He had all the depth of a kiddie pool with holes drilled in the bottom. This man made this show unwatchable for me. Watching Caruso act was like pumping molten lead with a syringe into my eyeballs.

Thankfully, even Caruso seemed to agree with me and at some point decided to leave the show of his own accord. This left us with the always-enjoyable Jimmy Smits who seemed to be on the show for five minutes or so. That was a good run, but it went stale and they eventually dug up Ricky… opps I mean Rick Schroder, who was so grizzled he looked like the dad from Silver Spoons had abused him as a child.

You know, as a sidebar, I just want to mention it really sucks they couldn’t put Franz as the lead on that show. Hollywood will always be prejudice against us fat dudes. This is why great shows like the Commish fail and shows like The Shield work. Same fuckin’ guy, he’s just more buff on the later show and thus able to stay on TV longer. I’m just sayin’.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah!

Anyhizzle, Caruso sort of killed it for me for CSI: Miami. It’s a shame. For me the thought of a detective show that takes place in beautiful sunny Miami Florida is a very bright and original idea. I mean, nobody’s ever done that before! (*cough* Miami Vice *cough*) Still, the network’s need to spin off every cop show they have with the concept of “Ooohhh set in a different city with a different cast of a-holes, oooohhh!” gets very tiresome. Just slap up a reality TV show if you’re unable to come up with anything original. On second thought, don’t. We have enough of those.

So you can understand why I haven’t given CSI Miami a chance. I have caught a few opening sequences of the show. It always seems to be Horatio standing over a dead body, one of his underlings tells him what the deal is, he puts on his designer sunglasses, and drops some kind of cheesy one-liner that was most likely written by a five-year old that’s been freebasing pop-rocks. Thankfully the Who kicks in to save our sanity at the last second. Were it not for the Yeaaaaaaahhhhhh part at the after that ration of stupidity, we would find ourselves huddling in the corner holding our knees and asking, “Mommy, why is there so much evil in the world?”

This phenomenon is apparently the only reason anybody watches the show. Still, being the brainwashed masses that we are, nobody seems to be changing the channel after the Who has made their five-cent royalty when the song is played. At this point I feel compelled to remind you that I have not actually watched the show, though I have seen these openings parodied from several pop-culture sources. Also, I watched a few clips on You Tube.

Maybe I’m wrong. I often am. People seen to genuinely like this show, and I think that’s okay. I’m sure some of the die-hard fans of the show would recommend it to me, but to them I say this: I’ve never been set on fire before, but I’m sure I wouldn’t enjoy the experience, so I don’t think I’ll be trying it any time soon.

Still, you’ve got to admit, Caruso’s one-liners have a lot of power. Imagine being able to do that in real life and then inexplicably “Won’t Get Fooled Again” blasts from every direction as you don your sunglasses. That’s shear AWESOMENESS with a capital COOL. Try it. Here are a few examples:

McDonnels cashier: “Are you gonna pay for that?”
You (putting on sunglasses): “Oh I’ll pay, but I think my stomach will be paying for it later.”
Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!

Your wife: “Honey, could you take out the trash?”
You (putting on sunglasses): “The garbage smells really bad my dear. The question is, will I take out the trash or will it take me out?”
Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!

Your boss: “You’ve been late every day this week. Were you planning to make it on time this Monday?”
You (putting on sunglasses): “You know what they say about plans, they were meant to be broken.
Your boss (after a long awkward pause): “What the fuck are you talking about?”
You: “Look, just never mind.”
Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!